Leadership - fear & anxiety

A few years ago, during a leadership program, a CEO shared something that stayed with me.

On the outside he looked successful in every possible way. He was respected in his industry and known for being decisive and disciplined. Yet he admitted that he lived with constant stress. His blood pressure was dangerously high, sleep was irregular and he often felt on edge.

Someone asked him a simple question: “When do you feel this tension the most?”

He paused and said “Whenever I feel I might be wrong in front of others, I feel the tension.”

Even small situations, a meeting where someone questioned his idea, a presentation that did not go perfectly or a junior employee pointing out a mistake would trigger an intense internal reaction. His body would tighten, his heart rate would increase and his mind would begin preparing to defend itself.

“I think I am terrified of looking foolish”, what he was describing was not just stress. It was shame.

Shame is one of the most invisible forces shaping our personality and behaviour. In many emotional frequency frameworks, shame sits at the lowest end of the emotional scale, around 20 Hz, the survival frequency. When the nervous system operates from this state, it easily shifts into patterns of depression, anger, envy, resentment or aggression.

Shame very often begins early.

A child hears things like:

“Don’t eat so much, you’re getting fat.”

“Boys don’t cry.”

“Good girls don’t argue.”

These statements may seem small, but what the child absorbs is a deeper message: who you are is not acceptable.

In men, shame often hides behind pressure to perform. It may appear as overwork, competitiveness or anger because vulnerability is discouraged.

In women, it may show up as perfectionism, people-pleasing or constant self-criticism, shaped by subtle expectations about how they should look, speak or behave.

In professional environments, shame can shape entire cultures. It may appear as sarcasm in meetings, public criticism or a constant need to prove competence. Leaders may react defensively when challenged because disagreement unconsciously feels like exposure. Employees, in turn, may remain silent even when they have valuable ideas simply to avoid embarrassment.

Over time the mind becomes trained to judge ourselves and others. But judgment does not heal shame.

The first step is recognising that shame often sits beneath many of our reactions. When criticism triggers defensiveness or when we hesitate to ask questions, it carries the imprint of shame.

The second step is shifting from judgment to observation. Practices like slow breathing, honest conversations, reflective writing or therapy help the body gradually relearn safety.

When leaders replace humiliation with curiosity, when parents replace criticism with guidance and when people replace mockery with empathy, the environments around us begin to change.

The moment shame loosens its grip, the nervous system learns something important: it is safe to be human.